Best True Blue Aussie Jokes 🦘

Q: What do you call a kangaroo that is a dead set genius?
A: A quantum leap.

Q: When is a bear not a bear?
A: When he doesn't have the right koalifications.

Q: Why did the wombat decide to cross over the road?
A: To see his flatmate

An Aussie walks into the bar the other night wearing one thong (flip flop). One patron asks him "What happened mate? Did you lose a thong?" the guy replies, "Nah mate, I found one!".

Q: How do you say sorry to a koala bear?
A: Ensure that you BEAR your heart and soul with feeling.

I met a bloke from Australia who worked in I.T
I asked him "Do you come from a LAN down under?"

Did you hear about the two baked beans that hitchhiked around Australia?
They ended up in Cairns.

Q: Why do koalas make for such a bad husband?
A: Because he eats, roots, shoots and leaves.

I just watched an Aussie cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.
I was surprised... Usually Aussies boo meringue.

Q: Why is there no way Jesus was born in Australia?
A: There is no 3 wise men or a virgin.

My Aussie mate hit a bloody roo in his car the other day.
I told him "mate, it doesn't matter where it occurs, domestic violence is just never okay."

What do you get when you cross breed a kangaroo with a donkey?
A kick ass

Q: What do ya call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A: A bloody pouch potato!

Q: Why do mummy kangaroos always hate wet days?
A: Because their kids play inside. (sounds painful)

Q: What is a kangaroos favourite kind of music genre?
A: Hip Hop

How many sparkies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder.

What do mechanics call duct tape?
Chrome.

Want to hear a joke about the construction industry in Australia?
Too bad, they’re still working on it.

What do you call a one night stand with a tradie?
Nut and bolt.

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Three tradies are sitting on a scaffolding eating lunch.

A sparkie, a brickie, and a welder are sitting on a high rise scaffolding on their lunch break. They all open their lunches to find ham sangas.
The sparkie sighs and says,
"I hate ham, my wife knows I hate ham, yet every day I end up with this bloody sanga. If I get one more of these, I'm jumping off this building."
The brickie agrees with him, saying "You know what, I feel the same way. I'm tired of this bland lunch every day. One more of these and I'm jumping off after you.”
The welder chimes in as well, saying "I hate this sanga, too. I'm with you boys."
Well the next day comes, and they find themselves in the same spot for lunch. The sparkie pulls out a ham sandwich and true to his word, jumps off and goes splat. The brickie opens up his lunch, discovers the same and jumps as well. So does the welder.
At the funeral, the sparkie's widow found out what happened and was talking to the other widows, saying "If only I had known how much he hated that lunch, I would have packed him something else."
The brickie's widow says "For sure! I didn't know he wanted something else."
The welder's widow pauses and then says "Don't look at me, my husband packed his own lunch." 

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A brickie was discharged after accusation of murder
There was no concrete evidence.

What do tradies’ do at parties?
They raise the roof.

A gecko lizard is walking through the Australian bush, heading toward the river for a drink.
On his walk he comes across a koala sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint and stops for a chat.
"Gidday, mate. What are you doing?"
The koala replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and join me. It's bloody good gear!"
So the gecko climbs up and sits next to the koala and they share a joint. After a while the gecko says his mouth is now very dry and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the gecko is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. The current is quite strong and he starts to float away. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned gecko and helps him back to the shore.
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The gecko explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new koala friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check out the stoned koala for himself. He walks into the bush and finds the tree where the koala is sitting in the fork of a gum tree, finishing a joint.
The crocodile looks up and says "Hey, Koala, you got any more of that grass?"
The koala looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"